04.15.08

Such a strange occurrence.

I drove into work this morning and noticed that Gordon wasn't doing his daily flag raising thing. There was a new guy. I found out Gordon went on vacation for a week, so a new security guard is taking his place. Now, I'm not too patriotic, though I do love my country very much, but this new security guard seriously fucked up. As he was hoisting the flag, he brought it down and let the flag hit the ground. The flag was straight up, laying on the ground. I saw him look at it, then shrug, and continue to raise it to full mast. That's some fucked up shit. I don't know the flag rules, but I've always heard that it needs to be burned if it touches the ground so that it does not stay desecrated. This new security guard just desecrated our national symbol, and didn't seem to care. What I want to know is where the hell did this guy get his security guard degree?! I was having thoughts about climbing the pole and setting the thing on fire, but I don't think fire would be a safe tool 50 feet in the air without a barbecue apron, and a barbecue apron is not something I keep handy on Mondays. Plus, I'd feel too much like King Kong and start beating my chest, which would probably cause fighter jets and Airwolf helicopters to shoot at me, which does not seem like a fun experience, no matter how much the movies tell you.

I went and took a walk down Main St. to find a lunch place to eat and it was deja vu all over again. There on the floor was a shirtless hobo with the U.S. flag tattooed on his arm. He had a bunch of other tattoos, but the flag was the only colored in one. He must've been some kind of veteran from the Cold War and shit. (I was never good with history.) But as I walked by, the man turned to his other side to rest on his other shoulder. This hobo just put shame to a symbol that many of us take for granted, except for third graders who are still forced to say the Pledge of Allegiance every morning. It was as though he wanted me to see him rub the flag all on the grimy floor. I'm not too sure if it was his calling to be a fire engulfed monk, but something told me that I should have did him the favor. I reached in my pocket to grab my lighter, and luckily for the homeless man, I was out of fluid. I was going to make a fire with the bottle of water and used condom I had in my pocket, but I forgot to watch that tutorial video on making fire on YouTube, so I went along with my lunch break and had an ice cream, root beer float and some chocolate flavored Skittles. Yes, they have chocolate flavored Skittles and it was disgrossting. (That's disgusting and gross for those of you who ain't up on the latest Webster's Dictionary for Kids 10th edition.) Out of boredom, I tossed the rest of my Skittles one by one into the air while I walked through the crowded crosswalks back to work.

You may have won this battle, homeless flag desecrater, but there's still a war out there, in space. Somewhere between Neptune and the Pluto formerly known as a planet. You just wait.