Day 190 of '08

Does it ever make sense?

I finally got off of my ass and stopped by an employment agency. Somehow, my typing speed of 86 words per minute with 99 percent accuracy matched with my extreme depth of forklift operation experience was not enough to land me that job as a male model. As weird as it sounds, my fast typing fingers and ability to maneuver heavy machinery in tight places qualifies me for a job as a washing machine and dryer loader for 7 bucks an hour. Unfortunately, it's not loading those machines into a truck, but loading linens into those machines. It's like all those years of bullshitting has gone to waste. Knowing that I can do much better than load dirty sheets and shit into a washing machine, I left the agency, leaving a piece of specially picked snot onto the 5th floor button of the elevator. That'll teach them to waste my time with stupid paper work and computer tests when all they can offer me is a low-wage job.

That was just the start of my day. I also applied for a position as a piano teacher, knowing damn well that I haven't the slightest idea how to play it. They told me I was way too experienced to be working with them, and that I should look else where for a more suitable position. I guess it didn't help that I told them I've played for symphonic orchestrators and shit.

For the better, I spent a few hours with a homeless guy at the park, playing the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game in honor of his 50th birthday. Needless to say, I whooped his ass in the game, mainly because he had not watched television in close to 20 years and he really had no idea who Kevin Bacon was. I couldn't believe he never even heard of the Jimmy Dolan Shake and Bake. It makes me wonder how the hell he survived because it's a known fact that everyone gets re-energized by their television, at least before the invention of Red Bull. I still can't imagine life without the O.C. and Jeopardy. I did learn a few things from Mr. Homeless, though, like the berries on the south side of the park are completely safe to eat, and fresh maple leaves make for good toilet paper when you run out of fast food napkins. Those little survival tips are some of the little things that get me through the day. The most important tip I was able to pick up from the man was to never drink from the water fountains, no matter how thirsty you may be, because they are often improperly used as bidets when no one's looking. As a kind gesture of my appreciation, I gave him a little monetary donation, which will probably end up in either a drug dealer's hand, a liquor store cash register, or in a giant pot from a game of dice. I may never see the guy again, but I hope he made the right choice and spent it on a Kevin Bacon movie.

Dumb Joke of the Day:

Q: How do you spell a goat with three legs?
A: You throw it into a tree!!!

Sometimes, when people call me stupid, I pretend they're speaking that country slang and I say to them, "I'm stupid fresh, yo!"