Because I'm an idiot.
I called out sick for my new job today, and it's only my 4th day on the job. I guess you can call it playing hockey, but it did allow for me to finally get in all that sleep I've been missing out on. Close to 24 hours of sleep, minus a couple of peepee breaks in between, made for excellent resting time to dream.
In one of my dreams, I was walking down an alley until I was a good viewing distance of the money truck across the street. The firecrackers thrown in their direction began to pop, causing the guards to draw weapons as they looked around to see where the shots were coming from. I run across to the truck, watching the officers fall on a puddle of their own blood, grab a bag, and run. When I turned around, my eyes met with those of an injured officer across the street. Looking at the barrel pointed in my direction, I begin doing juke moves, in hopes that my timing will save me from the bullet headed in my direction. A dark figure appears from behind the officer, and with one quick spark, he was facing the ground. As I run down the street, I bump shoulders with another child who looked exactly like me. We both fall, but he gets up faster, either trying to get away from someone or somewhere, or trying to run towards the danger I had just left. At some point, I woke up with a boner, which soon unbonerized itself after having brief thoughts of squirrels trying to pick at boogers growing on trees.
My monthly horrorscope for the month of August says, "Beware of the dangers that lurk ahead. As lovely and enticing particular offers may sound, there is a hidden agenda that may possibly lead to some bad shit. Money will start to bless you with its presence, but be careful because as the old saying goes, 'The more money you come across, the more strippers you see.' Be thoughtful and all will be well."
I don't know what all that shit means, but I'm really looking forward to seeing these strippers.
Put your flags up!
7.31.2008
7.21.2008
07.21.08
I had a dream...
...that I was walking in a dark cave. I kept feeling something small hitting me from all angles. It felt like small pebbles being thrown in my direction. There was barely any light, so I was unable to see where this bombardment was coming from. For some reason, I got a huge boner. Actually, I'm not especially talented, so it wasn't huge at all, but it was a boner nonetheless. After walking around aimlessly in circles, with my hands up to feel my way around, my fingertips came into contact with a string. The moment I pulled that string, a light from an unknown origin shined down, only to reveal that I was surrounded by women in bikinis each holding their own jar of sweet gherkins, throwing them at me, one by one. And in a flash, my cell phone/alarm clock told me I was going to be three minutes late for work. And three minutes late I was.
After extensive research at the local library to discover the true meaning of it all, I have discovered that I am in dire need of a power tools. If I were to have a power tools with me, I could visit the local beach and ask women in bikinis to operate each piece of heavy machinery, while I take pictures to share with the world on the eighth wonder of the world that they call the internet.
Until then, this will have to do.
From the dream me version back to the dreamy virgin.
...that I was walking in a dark cave. I kept feeling something small hitting me from all angles. It felt like small pebbles being thrown in my direction. There was barely any light, so I was unable to see where this bombardment was coming from. For some reason, I got a huge boner. Actually, I'm not especially talented, so it wasn't huge at all, but it was a boner nonetheless. After walking around aimlessly in circles, with my hands up to feel my way around, my fingertips came into contact with a string. The moment I pulled that string, a light from an unknown origin shined down, only to reveal that I was surrounded by women in bikinis each holding their own jar of sweet gherkins, throwing them at me, one by one. And in a flash, my cell phone/alarm clock told me I was going to be three minutes late for work. And three minutes late I was.
After extensive research at the local library to discover the true meaning of it all, I have discovered that I am in dire need of a power tools. If I were to have a power tools with me, I could visit the local beach and ask women in bikinis to operate each piece of heavy machinery, while I take pictures to share with the world on the eighth wonder of the world that they call the internet.
Until then, this will have to do.
From the dream me version back to the dreamy virgin.
7.14.2008
Quatorze Juillet '08
Kids these days...
A close relative of mine calls me up to hang out. He was talking all this jive about getting drunk and partying and shit. As soon as I arrive to hang out, this fool asks me to take him to the grocery store so he could do his food shopping. So, I drive two-and-a-half blocks down and drop his lazy ass off. After waiting close to 30 minutes, he finally gets back with his two paper bags filled with milk, cereal, cigarettes, and whatever the hell else he needs to survive. We get back to this fool's house, and he asks me to do him a favor. "Can you babysit Bruce while I go run down to the liquor store real quick?" Bruce is my six year old nephew, and since I hadn't seen the young gun in quite a while, I accepted his offer.
This little kid was one of the most whiniest kids I've met in a long time. Five years ago, he didn't even cry this much. Little thug complained about being bored and wanted to play Wii, but I'm not much of a Wii'er. Declining his offer, he complained about being bored again and decided that I can choose the game. It's been a while since I picked the game to play, and it was a shame that this kid didn't have any Ninja Turtle s or G.I.Joe's. He didn't have any Transformers. Little man didn't even have any Legos. All he had and all he wanted to play was the Nintendo Wii. I would've been down, especially since the controller looks almost the same, only a little slimmer, but this fool didn't have Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, Arkanoid, Dr. Mario, Super Off-Road, or Anticipation. I tried to school him on what the hot shit is, but he just started to call me wack. Saying shit like, "Man, that shit is played out!" and "That was so last year, old man!" A few disses later and he was staring into the corner, while I flipped through the channels of his new TV.
He want to play Wii
but then he tried to play me
We did not play Wii
A close relative of mine calls me up to hang out. He was talking all this jive about getting drunk and partying and shit. As soon as I arrive to hang out, this fool asks me to take him to the grocery store so he could do his food shopping. So, I drive two-and-a-half blocks down and drop his lazy ass off. After waiting close to 30 minutes, he finally gets back with his two paper bags filled with milk, cereal, cigarettes, and whatever the hell else he needs to survive. We get back to this fool's house, and he asks me to do him a favor. "Can you babysit Bruce while I go run down to the liquor store real quick?" Bruce is my six year old nephew, and since I hadn't seen the young gun in quite a while, I accepted his offer.
This little kid was one of the most whiniest kids I've met in a long time. Five years ago, he didn't even cry this much. Little thug complained about being bored and wanted to play Wii, but I'm not much of a Wii'er. Declining his offer, he complained about being bored again and decided that I can choose the game. It's been a while since I picked the game to play, and it was a shame that this kid didn't have any Ninja Turtle s or G.I.Joe's. He didn't have any Transformers. Little man didn't even have any Legos. All he had and all he wanted to play was the Nintendo Wii. I would've been down, especially since the controller looks almost the same, only a little slimmer, but this fool didn't have Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, Arkanoid, Dr. Mario, Super Off-Road, or Anticipation. I tried to school him on what the hot shit is, but he just started to call me wack. Saying shit like, "Man, that shit is played out!" and "That was so last year, old man!" A few disses later and he was staring into the corner, while I flipped through the channels of his new TV.
He want to play Wii
but then he tried to play me
We did not play Wii
7.08.2008
Day 190 of '08
Does it ever make sense?
I finally got off of my ass and stopped by an employment agency. Somehow, my typing speed of 86 words per minute with 99 percent accuracy matched with my extreme depth of forklift operation experience was not enough to land me that job as a male model. As weird as it sounds, my fast typing fingers and ability to maneuver heavy machinery in tight places qualifies me for a job as a washing machine and dryer loader for 7 bucks an hour. Unfortunately, it's not loading those machines into a truck, but loading linens into those machines. It's like all those years of bullshitting has gone to waste. Knowing that I can do much better than load dirty sheets and shit into a washing machine, I left the agency, leaving a piece of specially picked snot onto the 5th floor button of the elevator. That'll teach them to waste my time with stupid paper work and computer tests when all they can offer me is a low-wage job.
That was just the start of my day. I also applied for a position as a piano teacher, knowing damn well that I haven't the slightest idea how to play it. They told me I was way too experienced to be working with them, and that I should look else where for a more suitable position. I guess it didn't help that I told them I've played for symphonic orchestrators and shit.
For the better, I spent a few hours with a homeless guy at the park, playing the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game in honor of his 50th birthday. Needless to say, I whooped his ass in the game, mainly because he had not watched television in close to 20 years and he really had no idea who Kevin Bacon was. I couldn't believe he never even heard of the Jimmy Dolan Shake and Bake. It makes me wonder how the hell he survived because it's a known fact that everyone gets re-energized by their television, at least before the invention of Red Bull. I still can't imagine life without the O.C. and Jeopardy. I did learn a few things from Mr. Homeless, though, like the berries on the south side of the park are completely safe to eat, and fresh maple leaves make for good toilet paper when you run out of fast food napkins. Those little survival tips are some of the little things that get me through the day. The most important tip I was able to pick up from the man was to never drink from the water fountains, no matter how thirsty you may be, because they are often improperly used as bidets when no one's looking. As a kind gesture of my appreciation, I gave him a little monetary donation, which will probably end up in either a drug dealer's hand, a liquor store cash register, or in a giant pot from a game of dice. I may never see the guy again, but I hope he made the right choice and spent it on a Kevin Bacon movie.
Dumb Joke of the Day:
Q: How do you spell a goat with three legs?
A: You throw it into a tree!!!
Sometimes, when people call me stupid, I pretend they're speaking that country slang and I say to them, "I'm stupid fresh, yo!"
I finally got off of my ass and stopped by an employment agency. Somehow, my typing speed of 86 words per minute with 99 percent accuracy matched with my extreme depth of forklift operation experience was not enough to land me that job as a male model. As weird as it sounds, my fast typing fingers and ability to maneuver heavy machinery in tight places qualifies me for a job as a washing machine and dryer loader for 7 bucks an hour. Unfortunately, it's not loading those machines into a truck, but loading linens into those machines. It's like all those years of bullshitting has gone to waste. Knowing that I can do much better than load dirty sheets and shit into a washing machine, I left the agency, leaving a piece of specially picked snot onto the 5th floor button of the elevator. That'll teach them to waste my time with stupid paper work and computer tests when all they can offer me is a low-wage job.
That was just the start of my day. I also applied for a position as a piano teacher, knowing damn well that I haven't the slightest idea how to play it. They told me I was way too experienced to be working with them, and that I should look else where for a more suitable position. I guess it didn't help that I told them I've played for symphonic orchestrators and shit.
For the better, I spent a few hours with a homeless guy at the park, playing the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game in honor of his 50th birthday. Needless to say, I whooped his ass in the game, mainly because he had not watched television in close to 20 years and he really had no idea who Kevin Bacon was. I couldn't believe he never even heard of the Jimmy Dolan Shake and Bake. It makes me wonder how the hell he survived because it's a known fact that everyone gets re-energized by their television, at least before the invention of Red Bull. I still can't imagine life without the O.C. and Jeopardy. I did learn a few things from Mr. Homeless, though, like the berries on the south side of the park are completely safe to eat, and fresh maple leaves make for good toilet paper when you run out of fast food napkins. Those little survival tips are some of the little things that get me through the day. The most important tip I was able to pick up from the man was to never drink from the water fountains, no matter how thirsty you may be, because they are often improperly used as bidets when no one's looking. As a kind gesture of my appreciation, I gave him a little monetary donation, which will probably end up in either a drug dealer's hand, a liquor store cash register, or in a giant pot from a game of dice. I may never see the guy again, but I hope he made the right choice and spent it on a Kevin Bacon movie.
Dumb Joke of the Day:
Q: How do you spell a goat with three legs?
A: You throw it into a tree!!!
Sometimes, when people call me stupid, I pretend they're speaking that country slang and I say to them, "I'm stupid fresh, yo!"
7.02.2008
07.02.08
Makes you think...
Have you ever wondered how the Earth suddenly changed from flat to round? Well, after conducting extensive research at the local aquarium, I am now able to provide a full, descriptive explanation as to how things got the way they are today.
Elderly scholars whom had already grown old and dementedly senile decided to have an opposite day, which led to the Earth changing from flat to round. At the end of the day, they said, "Let's never again have an opposite day!" And since it was opposite day, every day became opposite day. Eventually, dinosaurs died off after building the pyramids and carving Easter Island rock heads and shit, and everyone just adopted the Earth being round as fact.
It is to my belief that the Earth is flat because how else could I stand in one spot and not lose my balance. Have you ever tried to stand on a round object while eating a bagel? Well, I have. And the bagel fell cream cheese down.
And that is how fish learned to fly.
Have you ever seen a fly fish? Well, I have. It gave me a boner.
Have you ever wondered how the Earth suddenly changed from flat to round? Well, after conducting extensive research at the local aquarium, I am now able to provide a full, descriptive explanation as to how things got the way they are today.
Elderly scholars whom had already grown old and dementedly senile decided to have an opposite day, which led to the Earth changing from flat to round. At the end of the day, they said, "Let's never again have an opposite day!" And since it was opposite day, every day became opposite day. Eventually, dinosaurs died off after building the pyramids and carving Easter Island rock heads and shit, and everyone just adopted the Earth being round as fact.
It is to my belief that the Earth is flat because how else could I stand in one spot and not lose my balance. Have you ever tried to stand on a round object while eating a bagel? Well, I have. And the bagel fell cream cheese down.
And that is how fish learned to fly.
Have you ever seen a fly fish? Well, I have. It gave me a boner.
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