03.26.08

Stupid kids.

I'm coming home from the bar, driving down the block, and it just so happens to be around the time those stupid kids get let out of prison...I mean...school. With just my luck, as I'm nearing my house, some kid runs out from behind a parked car and ends up on the hood of my fresh ride. (It just so happens I had got a car wash that morning.) The stupid kid's chocolate milk that he must've smuggled out of school grounds burst all over, so a soaked backpack, with a slightly scratched kid decorated the front end of my car. Lucky for the stupid kid, my hood ornament didn't impale his ass. Officers finally arrive, an hour later, to file the report and realizes I'm drunk. All of a sudden I'm to blame! My car gets towed. I get thrown in jail for a few hours and now I have all this legal trouble and probable lawyer fees that will take away from my beer money.

It's about time I sue these schools. Are they teaching kids not to carelessly run into open streets without looking both ways? And what the hell are these kids doing smuggling school supplies beyond school perimeters? The Man better step up his game and regulate on these lunch supply smugglers. Back when I was in prison...I mean...school, if they found any lunch items on us after lunchtime, we were subject to solitary conf...I mean...detention.

Anyway.

I get home from jail and find a letter in my mailbox from my neighbor a few houses down. Apparently, the kid that crashed into my hood lived down the street and must've known me. The letter read:

Dear (Name withheld to protect the innocent),

Two days ago, you almost killed my son with your horrific drunk driving. I am very disappointed that you would partake in such irresponsibility. Though my son managed to escape with a few small scratches, I'll have you know that I will try my best to make sure you are kept off of the road. I have already filed complaints to the mayor in hopes that you will leave this town in order to ensure the safety of our children. To make matters worse, the cellular phone I had just bought for my son was destroyed during your careless driving. This will be the last and only time you will hear from me as any further matters can be discussed with my lawyer. He will be contacting you soon. The only advice I ask you take is that you do research on where AA meetings can be held, as well as defensive driving classes, so that you may be able to attend and better your life. Good luck with life and may you never get your driver's license back.

Signed,
(Name withheld to protect the identity of the stupid)

What the hell is wrong with this woman?! Why is she buying her son a cellular phone for?! I really hope this kid calls up 900 numbers and sex lines to talk to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. I sure hope her lawyer contacts me, so that I can beat this shit out of him. Either way, I'm planning to coerce my way into the likings of this woman because from what I can remember, she was divorced and had a pretty smoking bod. Perhaps, we can settle some kind of deal where she can blow me in exchange for not suing me.

Oh well.

If life's a bitch, then my life must be a bitch on PMS.